A promise

I received a message asking me what the secret was to making change - I cannot pretend to have any answers, only what works for me.  Today anyway.  So here is my list;

1.  Keep moving.  When negative thoughts start to fill my mind I get busy.

2.  When convenient, I am oblivious.  Why should I give a negative moment my full attention? 

3.  Listen.  I try hard to listen others, and my heart.  

4.  Be open.  Sometimes the greatest things can happen if we are simply open to them happening.  

5.  Get out there.  Life is happening, I think it is better to be a participant than a bystander.

6.  Know when to walk away.  And when you do, always take the high road.

7.  But the biggest thing for me, is never take anything for granted. Family, friends, places and            

                 moments...

Actually, I suppose the most important thing for me was to simply to hang in there.  Time does indeed heal all.  Difficult moments do pass.  Life isn't perfect, but suddenly one day, everything will seem a whole better...I promise.

Thank You

I have a friend here in Zurich that I do not spend so much time with simply because communication is a problem.  His English is good, but he usually misses the meaning of what I am saying.  My German is rocky as heck so I avoid speaking it out of embarrassment.  And to make matter worse for me, he insists that I speak German only to him - therefore I have an abundance of excuses whenever he suggests we catch up.

Until today. And his text.  It read "it is time to speak German Dawn."  

It is relatively easy to live without German here in Zurich. However, I didn't really notice how limiting it was until last night.  I was at an expat sort of Christmas party, and there were many people that I knew which was very cool.  Being surrounded by familiar language and people is comforting.  But I am in Switzerland. 

As I left the party last night, I couldn't help but feel it was just a repeat of another day a week or two before.  My friends also seemed a bit bored with the whole scene.  Even though the expat community here is huge and dynamic, it is also only a small part of what is here.  I don't plan to turn my back on what I have here, but it is time to make my world a bit bigger. 

Sometimes it takes one thing to shake things up enough and make you realize that perhaps you are heading in the wrong direction. And that happened for me.  I had to say bye to my best friend here.  I knew it was coming, but I guess I sort of hoped that fate would intervene and I could keep them close.    I threw myself into anything that would keep me busy - hoping to find something or someone else to fill the void. I know it sounds silly, but you can't imagine how incredibly important friends are when everything and everyone familiar is afar.  

Tonight I cancelled my regular plans.  My friend is right - it is time.  Not just to learn German, but for a bit of a change.

So, to the familiar faces and places, thank you for making it so easy for me here - but it is time for me to disappear for a while.  

Another Canadian tune...

From Start to Finish - No Regrets.

I was lucky enough to meet up with a past flame for lunch this week.  He was in town on business and somehow it all worked out.  He was waiting for me outside my office and when our eyes met we couldn't help but smile.  Later that afternoon I received a text from him that also made me smile.  

It is difficult sometimes to do the right thing when emotions are involved.  And when he and I were forced to end our plans for a future together we were tested.  Fear, jealousy and hurt were our constant companion.  It wasn't easy.  But we supported each other and together we closed the door on our future.

So why am I sharing all of this?  Because it is about regret.  I don't have any, and neither does he. I have a friend who is going through a break up. It is bitter to say the least.  But one can see why - they have failed to treat each other with the respect and dignity that each deserves.  From the outside looking in - its not pretty.  They are filled with regret about the past, and I don't doubt one day they will look back and regret all this too.  How sad and awful.  Endings happen.  That is life. Sometimes being nice is a challenge.  But often that is when it is most important.  

In the end it was great to see him.  He was happy, looked great - I still adore his sense of humour.  And yes I know, some people have no interest in lunching with an ex.  I get that.  But when you walk away you have to decide how you want to be remembered.  For the good stuff that existed - or for the horrible way you handled a break up. 

I like how we remember the time there was an us.  From start to finish - no regrets.

Canadian Alanis and Guardian

The Rearview Mirror

Gosh darn life can get busy - and just when you think it cannot get any busier - it does. I love it! But alas it makes for a rather neglected blog. (However, I have been lovin' the gentle reminders to post something new again. It means people actually read my ramblings :)

So today, this blog is going to be a little different from past ones.

I know I have said this before, but I truly cannot believe that I have been living on my own here in Austria for over a year. What a year. I am sure that for those who have read some of my early blogs, you could tell that it was not without its trials. Of particular fascination to me is the fact that today, my life resembles nothing like the life I started here. I suppose that is what happens when you begin with a blank canvas. You sort of get to decide in advance what baggage you want to pull out and share with everyone.

Many people have asked how I could leave everything - my son, my family, my friends, my own business and make such a change. In hindsight, I have absolutely no clue. I think it was more like I just did it and tried not to think too much about what I was leaving behind. (That is the best part of being busy, less time to be analytical and over think things.) I also left behind my spacious dream home with a view in Canada for a 78 square metre, ground floor flat. That was tough too. I had to do a bit of a paradigm shift in my thinking. I had no stuff near me from a life filled with hard work and acquiring the appropriate possessions to make me feel important or comforted.

But I am here. And now what?

Well I have to admit, the person I was when I moved here 15 months ago is no longer. And that is something that I am really okay with. For many years I felt that there was something out there is the world that would make my life better. Make me happier. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't unhappy, far from it, but somehow there was a restlessness inside me that I just could not satisfy. So what does that have to do with Austria? A lot. Because I no longer feel that way. What these past 15 months have taught me is that life is truly what you make of it. I am the sum of what I decide. So many of us carry around the damage and baggage of years past. We let fear limit us from from trying and testing the waters. We fear the loss of our stuff, the "things" that we acquired and that help validate us in times of need. We fear the unknown. I know. I have been there. What happens when we have no one and nothing? I know the answer to this one now. Nothing. Because you will never be that alone - and you may find that leaving your "stuff" actually feels pretty darn good when you get used to it.

And my family? My son is not the same kid, he is a pretty- awesome-soon-to-be-20-year-old-man who may actually one day take the plunge and move to Europe himself. I nearly hate to admit it, but I think he flourished in my absence. My family and friends are all good too.

So...what exactly am I trying to say here? Well,only that if hit a fork in the road and don't really know which what to go - try the path that scares you the most. And as you make your way, open your heart. You may shed some tears, stumble and even fall - but keep going. I promise that you will never be alone. And that one day you'll look back and wonder about the person you once were...

Me? Well 15 months in, I no longer know where home is. But, alas, that is something that my heart will one day decide.

An Anniversary of Sorts

Well, it has been one year since I began calling Dornbirn home. And wow what a year.

I have to be honest; it wasn’t easy - in fact at times it as down right brutal. My first few months were filled with unanticipated solitude and disappointment. I quickly discovered that my Austrian BFF was a bust. My search for a flat was as difficult as my hotel room was small. I missed my son, family and friends. The dialect spoken here was a challenge for me. The few belongings I had fit on one luggage trolley.

I was seriously tested. My normally positive outlook was replaced by a series of emotions that lead me on the wildest emotional roller coaster of my life. I can’t imagine that I was much fun to be around.

But I hung in. If you ask me why I made the decision to stay, I would have to say it was only because I didn't want to give up. Or maybe it was my friends and family that encouraged me not to give up. At least that was how it was in the beginning anyway. Because, thankfully, before long things started to change. Acquaintances and even adversaries transformed into trusted friends. I found a flat. My son, mother and friends came to visit me. People started to better understand my fragmented German. I made not one, but a few new Austrian BFF’s. I actually had people I could text and texted me.

So, I am happy to say that one year later my life does not near resemble the one that began last January. And, I do not know if I would change any part of this experience. I was forced to discover things about myself that would have evaded me otherwise...and the people, the places, the countless new experiences - I kind of think that there is some truth to the adage that we should "do what scares us the most." The biggest risks indeed result in the greatest gain.

Plus there is the incredible satisfaction of not wondering "what if?"

Who knows how this journey of mine will twist and turn. Though there is one thing that I do know, no matter what I do or where I happen to be I will continue to be inspired by the remarkable people that make up such an important part of my life - here, there and everywhere...