One life. No regrets.
This blog is littered with unfiltered thoughts, ramblings and other stuff. Often written in a tram, or in a stolen moment I do not attempt to achieve perfection - so I thank you for not expecting it :) Auto correct is often both my friend and enemy. This blog is about my journey through the jungle of life, the people I happen to meet along the way and the very special ones that fill my heart both close and afar.
I knew it was going to be difficult, but I had no idea how difficult, difficult could be. It was a Wednesday afternoon, the temperature was 4000 degrees outside, and 4001 inside. The day was as long it was hot. The only good things was that this hot day was turning out to be a beautiful, hot evening. I was looking forward to meeting some friends and enjoying it. First thing I wanted to do was get home and change. Although my nice-enough summer dress kept me as cool as it could the day long, I was ready to move on to something different – and that was exactly when the problem began.
I got stuck in it. Really. I was halfway in and halfway out with no way forward or back. As I worked to get out of my self-made jail, my teeny-tiny flat got warmer and warmer. My WhatsApp was buzzing with my friends inviting me to share the perfect evening with them. I tried to explain the situation I was in, but I think that it was so unbelievable that my friends didn’t know what to do think.
Did I mention it was hot? It was so hot and the amount of gymnastics being performed to either get in or out was substantial. I needed to cool down, so into the shower I went, the perfect place to contemplate the situation.
I couldn’t help but think of what a friend mentioned to me the other day. They said that a friend of theirs, after meeting me and finding out I was “still single” felt certain there was something wrong with me. As I stood in the shower halfway in and halfway out, I wondered too. It sure would be easier to have someone around to help get me out this rather awkward situation.
But alas, there I was.
Memories of the people and places long gone popped into my mind. My life could have been different, but it never felt quite right. My heart longed for something that until now, had not presented itself. I thought of my bestest friend and her one-time outburst “why do people think being single is like a disease?”
Though there I was – stuck.
After cooling down, I decided I had few options. I was going to have to figure it out, or call one of my friends to assist. In the end I figured it out, though it took a while. My BFF and I giggled on the phone as I shared how my evening plans had turned out. I shared also my reflective thoughts. “Love the metaphor,” she added.
Truth is I was damn proud. It was so not easy, but I did it. As I struggled, I knew that I had friends who would hurry to my side. Today I shared the story with another of my favorite friends. “I knew that you would drop everything to come help me,” I stated. “Of course,” my other BFF said, “but not until I finished rolling on the floor with laughter for an hour or so!”
I know my life isn’t perfect. I also know that it isn’t the life for everyone, but as I sat there halfway in and halfway out, I knew that my friends would be there for me – whether to get me out, or share in the laughter. Frankly speaking, that is something that would happily make me give up singledom. Some people have succeeded in finding that, unfortunately, I haven’t. I could have settled for something close, but I didn’t. I am holding out. So are my BFF`s. And I cannot help but feel a bit proud of us all. Just like getting out of that damn dress, it isn’t easy, but what is in life? Are we different? I don’t know. Maybe. But I gotta say, I am pretty okay with that…
Still love this song, and somehow fitting for todays blog...
I have a friend here in Zurich that I do not spend so much time with simply because communication is a problem. His English is good, but he usually misses the meaning of what I am saying. My German is rocky as heck so I avoid speaking it out of embarrassment. And to make matter worse for me, he insists that I speak German only to him - therefore I have an abundance of excuses whenever he suggests we catch up.
Until today. And his text. It read "it is time to speak German Dawn."
It is relatively easy to live without German here in Zurich. However, I didn't really notice how limiting it was until last night. I was at an expat sort of Christmas party, and there were many people that I knew which was very cool. Being surrounded by familiar language and people is comforting. But I am in Switzerland.
As I left the party last night, I couldn't help but feel it was just a repeat of another day a week or two before. My friends also seemed a bit bored with the whole scene. Even though the expat community here is huge and dynamic, it is also only a small part of what is here. I don't plan to turn my back on what I have here, but it is time to make my world a bit bigger.
Sometimes it takes one thing to shake things up enough and make you realize that perhaps you are heading in the wrong direction. And that happened for me. I had to say bye to my best friend here. I knew it was coming, but I guess I sort of hoped that fate would intervene and I could keep them close. I threw myself into anything that would keep me busy - hoping to find something or someone else to fill the void. I know it sounds silly, but you can't imagine how incredibly important friends are when everything and everyone familiar is afar.
Tonight I cancelled my regular plans. My friend is right - it is time. Not just to learn German, but for a bit of a change.
So, to the familiar faces and places, thank you for making it so easy for me here - but it is time for me to disappear for a while.
I made the mad dash to grocery store – just in time. I quickly found my new favourite Austrian wine to have with dinner. The cloth bag for my groceries was tucked under my arm. Once at the checkout I was able to answer all the questions asked of me – in German. When I walked in the door I noticed that the big bouquet of white roses I had bought myself had filled my flat with a beautifully fragrant air.
Earlier today I had a wonderful exchange with my son back home. Then a few texts with a special friend reminded me that I am indeed loved.
As I make dinner tonight I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I have learned so much since moving Austria. Particularly about myself. My personal idealism of how to be a good mother has been challenged. I have had to count on the kindness of others to help me make my way at times, and without that, my days would have been much more empty and difficult. I know now the tremendous gratification that can result from knowing how to answer someone in an unfamiliar language, if only a handful of times. I have learned to ask for help.
I know that the small triumphs and beautiful moments that made up my day today were the result of the many amazing people that have entered my life. Whether it’s my son who makes me feel like the world’s best mom even though I am an ocean away, or the friend up the street that feeds me when I have not the time, or the colleague who helps me book a hair appointment when I am too shy to make the phone attempt –I am lucky. It’s the small moments that make up a life, and because of the support of everyone in my life, I can enjoy and savour them.
