Halfway in and Halfway out

I knew it was going to be difficult, but I had no idea how difficult, difficult could be.  It was a Wednesday afternoon, the temperature was 4000 degrees outside, and 4001  inside.  The day was as long it was hot.  The only good things was that this hot day was turning out to be a beautiful, hot evening.  I was looking forward to meeting some friends and enjoying it.  First thing I wanted to do was get home and change.  Although my nice-enough summer dress kept me as cool as it could the day long, I was ready to move on to something different – and that was exactly when the problem began.

I got stuck in it.  Really.  I was halfway in and halfway out with no way forward or back.  As I worked to get out of my self-made jail, my teeny-tiny flat got warmer and warmer.  My WhatsApp was buzzing with my friends inviting me to share the perfect evening with them.  I tried to explain the situation I was in, but I think that it was so unbelievable that my friends didn’t know what to do think.

Did I mention it was hot?  It was so hot and the amount of gymnastics being performed to either get in or out was substantial.  I needed to cool down, so into the shower I went, the perfect place to contemplate the situation.

I couldn’t help but think of what a friend mentioned to me the other day.  They said that a friend of theirs, after meeting me and finding out I was “still single” felt certain there was something wrong with me.  As I stood in the shower halfway in and halfway out, I wondered too.  It sure would be easier to have someone around to help get me out this rather awkward situation. 

But alas, there I was.

Memories of the people and places long gone popped into my mind.  My life could have been different, but it never felt quite right.  My heart longed for something that until now, had not presented itself.  I thought of my bestest friend and her one-time outburst “why do people think being single is like a disease?”

Though there I was – stuck.

After cooling down, I decided I had few options.  I was going to have to figure it out, or call one of my friends to assist.  In the end I figured it out,  though it took a while.  My BFF and I giggled on the phone as I shared how my evening plans had turned out.  I shared also my reflective thoughts.  “Love the metaphor,” she added.

Truth is I was damn proud.  It was so not easy, but I did it.  As I struggled, I knew that I had friends who would hurry to my side.  Today I shared the story with another of my favorite friends.  “I knew that you would drop everything to come help me,” I stated.  “Of course,” my other BFF said, “but not until I finished rolling on the floor with laughter for an hour or so!”

I know my life isn’t perfect.  I also know that it isn’t the life for everyone, but as I sat there halfway in and halfway out, I knew that my friends would be there for me – whether to get me out, or share in the laughter.  Frankly speaking, that is something that would happily make me give up singledom.  Some people have succeeded in finding that, unfortunately, I haven’t.  I could have settled for something close, but I didn’t.  I am holding out.  So are my BFF`s.  And I cannot help but feel a bit proud of us all.  Just like getting out of that damn dress, it isn’t easy, but what is in life?  Are we different?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  But I gotta say, I am pretty okay with that…  

Still love this song, and somehow fitting for todays blog...

Baking Day Panic Attack

Today is a big day for me.  Yep.  It is baking day.  

My friend likes to host international dinner parties.  They are pretty cool evenings.  Approximately 20 plus strangers gather together for dinner.  Each brings a dish reminiscent of their home country.  Basically we get  together and  share a delicious mix of food and culture.  

The last time I did it got away with a fruit salad drizzled in maple syrup.  Typical Canadian dish.  Not.  Okay, the maple syrup was typical.  Today however, I am going to shake things up.  I am going to bake fruit pies.  Not crazy ambitious, but certainly more so than the fruit salad.

First panic attack occurred when I realized that my trusted pastry recipe was safety stored somewhere back in Canada.  A few minutes on the computer, and Google lead me to a four star recipe that promised not to disappoint.  I entered the kitchen.  Second panic attack.  No pie plates.  A quick text to my gal pal and she told me where I could procure some pie dishes close by.  Emailed myself the shopping list for the pies.  Third panic attack.  What is lard in German?  

By this time I am starting to ponder whether maple syrup drizzled over vanilla ice cream would suffice. Alas, I am determined, and ready myself to shop for the necessary dishes and ingredients.

Forth panic attack.  How does one carry multiple pies on trams and through the twisty, hilly walkways of Zurich old town?

Then I got to thinking, in Canada it is customary to purchase chocolate cake at the local bakery...

And now it feels somehow fitting that I share another Canadian singer/songwriter.  Chantal Kreviazuk with "Feels like Home."  

Thank You

I have a friend here in Zurich that I do not spend so much time with simply because communication is a problem.  His English is good, but he usually misses the meaning of what I am saying.  My German is rocky as heck so I avoid speaking it out of embarrassment.  And to make matter worse for me, he insists that I speak German only to him - therefore I have an abundance of excuses whenever he suggests we catch up.

Until today. And his text.  It read "it is time to speak German Dawn."  

It is relatively easy to live without German here in Zurich. However, I didn't really notice how limiting it was until last night.  I was at an expat sort of Christmas party, and there were many people that I knew which was very cool.  Being surrounded by familiar language and people is comforting.  But I am in Switzerland. 

As I left the party last night, I couldn't help but feel it was just a repeat of another day a week or two before.  My friends also seemed a bit bored with the whole scene.  Even though the expat community here is huge and dynamic, it is also only a small part of what is here.  I don't plan to turn my back on what I have here, but it is time to make my world a bit bigger. 

Sometimes it takes one thing to shake things up enough and make you realize that perhaps you are heading in the wrong direction. And that happened for me.  I had to say bye to my best friend here.  I knew it was coming, but I guess I sort of hoped that fate would intervene and I could keep them close.    I threw myself into anything that would keep me busy - hoping to find something or someone else to fill the void. I know it sounds silly, but you can't imagine how incredibly important friends are when everything and everyone familiar is afar.  

Tonight I cancelled my regular plans.  My friend is right - it is time.  Not just to learn German, but for a bit of a change.

So, to the familiar faces and places, thank you for making it so easy for me here - but it is time for me to disappear for a while.  

Another Canadian tune...

From Start to Finish - No Regrets.

I was lucky enough to meet up with a past flame for lunch this week.  He was in town on business and somehow it all worked out.  He was waiting for me outside my office and when our eyes met we couldn't help but smile.  Later that afternoon I received a text from him that also made me smile.  

It is difficult sometimes to do the right thing when emotions are involved.  And when he and I were forced to end our plans for a future together we were tested.  Fear, jealousy and hurt were our constant companion.  It wasn't easy.  But we supported each other and together we closed the door on our future.

So why am I sharing all of this?  Because it is about regret.  I don't have any, and neither does he. I have a friend who is going through a break up. It is bitter to say the least.  But one can see why - they have failed to treat each other with the respect and dignity that each deserves.  From the outside looking in - its not pretty.  They are filled with regret about the past, and I don't doubt one day they will look back and regret all this too.  How sad and awful.  Endings happen.  That is life. Sometimes being nice is a challenge.  But often that is when it is most important.  

In the end it was great to see him.  He was happy, looked great - I still adore his sense of humour.  And yes I know, some people have no interest in lunching with an ex.  I get that.  But when you walk away you have to decide how you want to be remembered.  For the good stuff that existed - or for the horrible way you handled a break up. 

I like how we remember the time there was an us.  From start to finish - no regrets.

Canadian Alanis and Guardian

A Good Life

I made the mad dash to grocery store – just in time. I quickly found my new favourite Austrian wine to have with dinner. The cloth bag for my groceries was tucked under my arm. Once at the checkout I was able to answer all the questions asked of me – in German. When I walked in the door I noticed that the big bouquet of white roses I had bought myself had filled my flat with a beautifully fragrant air.

Earlier today I had a wonderful exchange with my son back home. Then a few texts with a special friend reminded me that I am indeed loved.

As I make dinner tonight I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I have learned so much since moving Austria. Particularly about myself. My personal idealism of how to be a good mother has been challenged. I have had to count on the kindness of others to help me make my way at times, and without that, my days would have been much more empty and difficult. I know now the tremendous gratification that can result from knowing how to answer someone in an unfamiliar language, if only a handful of times. I have learned to ask for help.

I know that the small triumphs and beautiful moments that made up my day today were the result of the many amazing people that have entered my life. Whether it’s my son who makes me feel like the world’s best mom even though I am an ocean away, or the friend up the street that feeds me when I have not the time, or the colleague who helps me book a hair appointment when I am too shy to make the phone attempt –I am lucky. It’s the small moments that make up a life, and because of the support of everyone in my life, I can enjoy and savour them.

I have a good life. Thanks for being in it.