Passion and Complacency

I woke early this Saturday morning.  Instead of embracing the luxury of being able to sleep in, my mind woke me racing with the details of my impossible to do list not to mention a bit of anxiety resulting from various uncertainties in my life.  As I was laying there, I received a text from my son, "watch this," he wrote "it is insanely inspiring."

We all receive these videos.  They come by on Facebook, friends and colleagues send

them around - I must confess, I can't be bothered to watch 
them.  Generally speaking, I think we all know deep down what we should and should not do, we do not need a stranger for that.  But, since I had nothing pressing to do and a distraction was most welcome I clicked on the link.  It was an interview with Elon Musk on space travel.

Damn it was inspiring.

Of course I know of this man and his achievements.  Of course I respect immensely what he has achieved.  The man is clearly a genius.

What I did not expect was the person who made the man.  I was completely moved by his determination and passion.  His willingness to pursue a passion even though he knew the odds of success were sometimes stacked significantly out of his favour.  

I must admit, I had fallen into a horrible routine lately.  The hurdles of life of late had distracted me from my view of the horizon.    My vision had become shortsighted.  No wonder I was feeling tired and uninspired.  I even blamed others for this colourless position I now found myself.  How boring and sad was that?  How incredibly pathetic and powerless of me to base my own happiness on the actions of others.  How did I fall into this state of acceptance?

For certain I could sit here and list the countless reasons on how I ended up here.  However, at the end of the day it came down to a decision that I and only I could - and can make. 

Why would I choose to live in a way that lacks passion?  Why would I let my determination waiver?  

During the interview I watched Elon openly share his passion and witness his determination.  I also watched him tear up.

That to me is living.  I am so grateful for this reminder that I received today.  Why the heck would I chose to exist in a zone of complacency and acceptance?  That isn't me.  But then somehow these days, it was me.  Today I am done with it.  I think there is more to fear from living a life devoid of passion than avoiding it.  Sure passion makes us vulnerable, well, it makes me vulnerable anyway.  But it also makes me feel alive, happier, lighter, more authentic - and that to me is well worth the tears along the way.

If you are curious, here is the interview to which I was referring...

...and in keeping with the music theme...

A Reason

It is Saturday morning and I am enjoying some text chats with a couple of girlfriends while sipping on my fourth morning coffee.   

I am aware that there is nothing particularly unique about that, however this has become an important part of my morning start.

One of the best things about family is that they know you in a way that most people do not.  There is also a great deal of comfort in that. You have the freedom to be exactly as you are - without judgement. 

As an expat, you miss that.  Family is far away and often the time zones make communication a challenge.   The opportunity to be with family is not as easy as it once was so the potential to be lonely is prevalent.  There are many an expat event.  You see the guys and gals mingling and chatting, enjoying the momentary intimacy that these events provide.  Sometimes people win the jackpot and connect with another similar soul, but more often than not it is only temporary.  Still, these events are essential - for without them we would be starved.  And I suppose even though intimate relationships are not so common, there is still a kinship amongst us all.  We have similar challenges, needs and lifestyle.  

I've been living abroad for over three years officially.  Unofficially it has been over four.  Enough time to strain the friendships I enjoyed back home.  Enough time to get used to not celebrating special events and days with family.  Enough time to crave a deeper type of intimacy in my now familiar surroundings.  

As I am texting back and forth with my girlfriends I am comforted.  They know my deepest and darkest secrets.  They know my fears, my desires.  I know theirs.  The veil of pretence has long fallen.  I share this type of communication with a guy pal too.  When he met my son for the first time, he said it was like meeting an old friend since he already knew him through me and my countless stories.  

Yesterday I read an editorial on how as humans we crave intimacy - but we also fear it.  It touched on the fact that many of us turn to social media to satiate our desire for a deeper connection.  That is something that I simply cannot do.  I need the banter, the shared laughter and the sometimes needed hug that can only be experienced in person.  Yet, I do not know of many people who are more fearful of intimacy than I.  In the past my family served as safe zone. Outside of that, was a crafted facade that was years in the making.  However, this whole experience forced me to change.  A little anyway.

I have not lost the connection with my family, it is in many ways even deeper than before.  Something I am grateful for every moment of every day.   But the distance of the comforting arms of my family was too far away in moments I longed for something more than a superficial intimacy.  I had to take a chance or live with the ache of loneliness of being alone.

So here I am.  In my pjs, sipping my coffee, texting with those that know me best.  We share our mistakes, our heartaches, our successes.  I am a happier person as a result.  Unburdened.  Some people manage this without being forced.  I didn't - or couldn't.  I cannot help but consider the irony of it all.  There are few things more rewarding than intimacy - yet as much as we crave it, we also run from it.  Me included.  I don't profess to have mastered it - its simply a reflection on something this journey abroad has forced me to try.  And I am glad I did...

A promise

I received a message asking me what the secret was to making change - I cannot pretend to have any answers, only what works for me.  Today anyway.  So here is my list;

1.  Keep moving.  When negative thoughts start to fill my mind I get busy.

2.  When convenient, I am oblivious.  Why should I give a negative moment my full attention? 

3.  Listen.  I try hard to listen others, and my heart.  

4.  Be open.  Sometimes the greatest things can happen if we are simply open to them happening.  

5.  Get out there.  Life is happening, I think it is better to be a participant than a bystander.

6.  Know when to walk away.  And when you do, always take the high road.

7.  But the biggest thing for me, is never take anything for granted. Family, friends, places and            

                 moments...

Actually, I suppose the most important thing for me was to simply to hang in there.  Time does indeed heal all.  Difficult moments do pass.  Life isn't perfect, but suddenly one day, everything will seem a whole better...I promise.

Experiences that Make up a Life

Last night I had debate with an Austrian friend of mine. He felt that because I had many different experiences in my life I would never be easily satisfied.

We ended up energetically discussing this possibility for a good portion of the evening. His argument was that the more people were exposed to in the world, the less happy a person would be with an average life. My argument was that people simply want what they want.

I don’t have the magic recipe for a perfect, nor would I ever assume that what is right for me is right for another, but I do know the importance of living an authentic life.

My father once told me that parenting was the only “job” in the world that you could judge your success by how little you were needed. I had a terrible time letting go of my son as he grew up. I still do. Even an ocean away I struggle with the act of letting go – on many levels. Sometimes I wonder who has learned more – my son from me, or I from him.

Through parenting I discovered that each person has his or her own unique spirit – or if you prefer individuality. As much as I tried to mold my son, I learned early on that I could not. Or perhaps I should instead say that I would not. It was easy to see the light in my son’s eyes as he discovered a new passion or enjoyed a moment. As a parent it became clear to me that my job was to expose my son to experiences, set boundaries and and let him discover what made him happy.

You can tell when a person is happy. The eyes have a particular light to them, their energy is easy – and well you can just tell. They are living the way they want to live.

My life may defy convention, and it has been at time extraordinarily tough, but it is authentic. What may seem to some is that I am not easily satisfied, but in essence it is far from that. I am easily contented. I do not look back on my life to moments that I remember as happier. I do not long to relive the good ‘ol days. I live for today and I am happy in it.

It is easy to judge what we do not understand. I know many people who are “restless” and not satisfied with the life they are leading. You can watch their special light fade little by little. I sure don’t want that to be me – nor do I want that for my son.

My son’s Facebook status this week was “Life is too short not to be stoked everyday.” I thought that was perfect. Maybe I am wrong, but surely it is not the experiences that make for a life that is dissatisfied, it’s the experiences that make up a life…

Okay isn't Good

I remember one day coming home from school upset and at the end of my teary recap declaring emphatically “its not fair!” to my mother. This moment will forever remain ingrained in my mind, as it was then that mother shared one of the most important life facts with me. As she gave me a hug to help sooth away my bad day she said “life isn’t fair.”

This was a fact that I also shared with my son when he made a similar declaration.

And its not. Life beats us up, knocks us down and leaves us battered and bruised. It also provides us with moments of pleasure, joy and kindness. No matter what we do, life is a mixed bag of cards and we simply do not know what is being dealt.

Today when speaking with a friend he shared with me that his life was “okay” – not particularly good, just okay. He soon followed up his comment with “but that’s life I think, its normal.”

I found his comment upsetting and was openly frustrated. How horrible to exist in a state of “okay?” I will never pretend to have all the answers or profess to know how to live a life best – but what I can say is that I try. Like most people, I have had to make some difficult decisions. Some faced resistance, disappointment and at times displeasure from the ones I cared for most. Whether or not each decision I made was right or wrong, is irrelevant. But what was most important to me was the fact that I was making a decision to move forward with my life.

And that takes me back to life and how remarkably unfair it can be at times. We learn that devastating fact very young and keep having it reinforced all through life. It can make us scared, uncertain and angry. Not to mention accepting. Its tough to see the unfairness of life strip and eat away at a person's passion for life and replace it with an acceptance of mediocrity.

Its something that I hope my son never does.

Life is unfair. Tough. Demanding. Heartbreaking. It is also filled with incredible joy and happiness – if we are open to it. All in all being happy is hard work. And it takes courage. It means sometimes doing what terrifies you most and making unpopular decisions.

I suppose it all comes down to what sort of life you want - and okay simply isn’t good enough for me.

The Warm Up Period

“We in Vorarlberg, began my friend “are not so easy to get close to. We tend to be closed in nature.”

Okay diplomacy, don't fail me …my friend was indeed speaking the truth. In fact, I would say that if you have a Canadian on one side of a scale, you’ll find some Italians, Spanish and well you get the picture. On the other hand, on the verrry end on the other side of the scale you find Austrians, Swiss, and so on.

We are different. I know I laugh too loud sometimes. I kind of don’t care if people like me or not. I am a bit hyper, restless, and unstructured. I don’t like filing systems that involve binders. I stopped thinking that meeting friends at 9 or 10 at night was normal at about 19. I cook only when I feel like it, and when I do it will likely be hot and spicy. I'm Canadian.

Now imagine the opposite of all that.

Its taken a year – but I get it. And those who know me get me too. Tonight as yelled on my way out of the office that I wanted to be first one out I was quickly greeted by the sound of footsteps running behind me. Or when I embarrassed myself by referring to Austria’s most famous treat, Mozartkugeln, as Mozart Balls it was acknowledged as something I would say. I’ve learned to eat my main meal mid-day and I can say mahlzeit like a pro. I can speak more German than I will ever admit and I even know how to say where I live in dialect.

So, are Austrian’s closed in nature? I don’t think so. We're having a lot of fun now. I like to think that it was more like they - and I - required a bit of a warm up period.

An Anniversary of Sorts

Well, it has been one year since I began calling Dornbirn home. And wow what a year.

I have to be honest; it wasn’t easy - in fact at times it as down right brutal. My first few months were filled with unanticipated solitude and disappointment. I quickly discovered that my Austrian BFF was a bust. My search for a flat was as difficult as my hotel room was small. I missed my son, family and friends. The dialect spoken here was a challenge for me. The few belongings I had fit on one luggage trolley.

I was seriously tested. My normally positive outlook was replaced by a series of emotions that lead me on the wildest emotional roller coaster of my life. I can’t imagine that I was much fun to be around.

But I hung in. If you ask me why I made the decision to stay, I would have to say it was only because I didn't want to give up. Or maybe it was my friends and family that encouraged me not to give up. At least that was how it was in the beginning anyway. Because, thankfully, before long things started to change. Acquaintances and even adversaries transformed into trusted friends. I found a flat. My son, mother and friends came to visit me. People started to better understand my fragmented German. I made not one, but a few new Austrian BFF’s. I actually had people I could text and texted me.

So, I am happy to say that one year later my life does not near resemble the one that began last January. And, I do not know if I would change any part of this experience. I was forced to discover things about myself that would have evaded me otherwise...and the people, the places, the countless new experiences - I kind of think that there is some truth to the adage that we should "do what scares us the most." The biggest risks indeed result in the greatest gain.

Plus there is the incredible satisfaction of not wondering "what if?"

Who knows how this journey of mine will twist and turn. Though there is one thing that I do know, no matter what I do or where I happen to be I will continue to be inspired by the remarkable people that make up such an important part of my life - here, there and everywhere...