Texting a Life Away

The couple of times I have joined my colleagues for lunch resulted in them grabbing my phone and keeping it for the duration of the lunch.  "You're so bad with that thing," they said.  I just put it down to them giving me a hard-time, something they do somewhat often.

A visit with my son and he stated "do you think you could be more present mom?"

Still I was able to justify both my actions and their comments.  Then I met a friend for dinner, it had been a while.  I placed my phone on the table, soon we were clinking glasses, chatting and laughing.  A few pings from my phone and I broke from the conversation and quickly responded to the incoming texts.   It was the next moment where things changed for me.  A look of sadness and disappointment radiated from my friends  eyes. I made some excuse, like I always did. "Do you think we can have dinner without your phone tonight?"

My heart broke a little right then.  It broke because it was in that moment that I realized I had a problem. It broke because I could only wonder how many times I made people I cared feel less than happy. 

I don't want to be that person. 

It happened to me the other day too. I was enjoying a nice afternoon with a friend. We were canoeing on the lake on an incredibly beautiful and sunny day.  He started to get texts from friends about an event he was interested in.  Excitedly he texted them back telling me about it also. It continued.  His messages back and forth. I paddled. I paddled alone while he texted.  I enjoyed the beautiful sunny moment. Alone.  I also watched him. I felt pity.  Disappointment.  It was okay for a short while to see him share his excitement for something that was not happening here and now, but then it shifted.  I thought of how beautiful this moment was and that I was unable to share it with the person I was for all intensive purposes supposedly sharing it. 

Then I also thought of how nice it would be to share that moment with someone who might appreciate it.  I wonder, how many times did people have the same thought about me?  I don't want to allow for that opportunity again. 

Life is about the people and the moments you share with them. At least in my opinion. I know I will never for one moment regret not grabbing my phone and breaking a beautiful moment to respond to an inconsequential text. 

I fight the urge to pick up my phone sometimes.  If I were to be really honest, I would have to say that I have good days, and better days.  But I am trying.  I want to be present.  And frankly, I don't want to keep the company of someone who isn't present either.  Next time I go canoeing, or set out to enjoy a moment, I won't be sharing it with the texting friend. He was able to justify why he wanted to text. I was also in the past.  We all can.  But in the end, if we are having to justify - then it's time to take a hard look at what's happening.  I did, and it wasn't pretty.  

Okay isn't Good

I remember one day coming home from school upset and at the end of my teary recap declaring emphatically “its not fair!” to my mother. This moment will forever remain ingrained in my mind, as it was then that mother shared one of the most important life facts with me. As she gave me a hug to help sooth away my bad day she said “life isn’t fair.”

This was a fact that I also shared with my son when he made a similar declaration.

And its not. Life beats us up, knocks us down and leaves us battered and bruised. It also provides us with moments of pleasure, joy and kindness. No matter what we do, life is a mixed bag of cards and we simply do not know what is being dealt.

Today when speaking with a friend he shared with me that his life was “okay” – not particularly good, just okay. He soon followed up his comment with “but that’s life I think, its normal.”

I found his comment upsetting and was openly frustrated. How horrible to exist in a state of “okay?” I will never pretend to have all the answers or profess to know how to live a life best – but what I can say is that I try. Like most people, I have had to make some difficult decisions. Some faced resistance, disappointment and at times displeasure from the ones I cared for most. Whether or not each decision I made was right or wrong, is irrelevant. But what was most important to me was the fact that I was making a decision to move forward with my life.

And that takes me back to life and how remarkably unfair it can be at times. We learn that devastating fact very young and keep having it reinforced all through life. It can make us scared, uncertain and angry. Not to mention accepting. Its tough to see the unfairness of life strip and eat away at a person's passion for life and replace it with an acceptance of mediocrity.

Its something that I hope my son never does.

Life is unfair. Tough. Demanding. Heartbreaking. It is also filled with incredible joy and happiness – if we are open to it. All in all being happy is hard work. And it takes courage. It means sometimes doing what terrifies you most and making unpopular decisions.

I suppose it all comes down to what sort of life you want - and okay simply isn’t good enough for me.

The Warm Up Period

“We in Vorarlberg, began my friend “are not so easy to get close to. We tend to be closed in nature.”

Okay diplomacy, don't fail me …my friend was indeed speaking the truth. In fact, I would say that if you have a Canadian on one side of a scale, you’ll find some Italians, Spanish and well you get the picture. On the other hand, on the verrry end on the other side of the scale you find Austrians, Swiss, and so on.

We are different. I know I laugh too loud sometimes. I kind of don’t care if people like me or not. I am a bit hyper, restless, and unstructured. I don’t like filing systems that involve binders. I stopped thinking that meeting friends at 9 or 10 at night was normal at about 19. I cook only when I feel like it, and when I do it will likely be hot and spicy. I'm Canadian.

Now imagine the opposite of all that.

Its taken a year – but I get it. And those who know me get me too. Tonight as yelled on my way out of the office that I wanted to be first one out I was quickly greeted by the sound of footsteps running behind me. Or when I embarrassed myself by referring to Austria’s most famous treat, Mozartkugeln, as Mozart Balls it was acknowledged as something I would say. I’ve learned to eat my main meal mid-day and I can say mahlzeit like a pro. I can speak more German than I will ever admit and I even know how to say where I live in dialect.

So, are Austrian’s closed in nature? I don’t think so. We're having a lot of fun now. I like to think that it was more like they - and I - required a bit of a warm up period.